Today I type one, if not, the toughest blog that I will ever have to in my life. Today my son Reagan Michael White was born and today he died. This is my family’s story of tragedy, triumph and overcoming.

I struggle with where to start this story and I will do my best to be accurate and remember the details the best I can. This is my way of dealing with this and also my way of sharing with all of those who have been asking questions.

We did not plan to get pregnant but things happen and we did. To the best of mine and Lindsay’s knowledge, Reagan was conceived Christmas Eve 2015. We thought what are the chances? Well they were good and we were joyed to know we would be adding a new bundle of joy to our family expected to arrive September 19th, 2016.  It was literally the gift that would keep on giving.

During the pregnancy we had quite a few scares. The first one occurred at around 8 weeks when Lindsay experienced some bleeding while she was at work. She immediately thought she was having a miscarriage.  We ended up at her OB/GYN fearful that we had already lost him. After an ultrasound and several days of blood work we got great news that she was still carrying and things were looking good. She had been diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma which is the gathering of blood between the uterus and placenta. This scare meant that we had to tell a few people earlier than we had planned but things like this you just cannot hide. We told her mother and father and planned to let everyone else know by posting a baby announcement with our usual Donut Saturday trip with Beckett. We let the world know on Saturday February 27th and it was cause for celebration!

Along the way we had some interesting discussions about what the baby’s name would be. All the time waiting for the weeks to pass so we could find out whether we were having a boy or girl. We decided on a girl name easy. If it was a girl she would be named Callie Rose White. The boy name was not that easy. As we look back this should have been our clear sign that we were having a boy. Needless to say Lindsay and I were worlds apart on boys names. I liked Bodhi, Blaze, Keegan, and Kipling. Lindsay liked Blake, William, Jacob and Reagan. The key thing in all this, for me at least, was what does the baby name mean? I could bore you with what they all mean but Bodhi was my favorite. It means enlightened one and is also one of my favorite movie characters of all time. Point Break anyone? No matter what I could not get her to like it at all and then we find out my sister-in-law Emily had dibs on the name, if there is such a thing. Once I started digging into the names I liked what Reagan meant as well, Little Ruler, and thus far he had ruled a lot of things. The final choosing of the name would come later but we know how this part of the story ends don’t we?

Things continued along and we were concerned after a few more incidents of bleeding, but more so optimistic than anything. The next important day came on April 29th. My wife’s birthday and the day we would find out if we were having a girl or a boy. If you are a parent and have found out the sex of your child you know its like waiting on Christmas to come. You can hardly stand it. We arrived at the doctor’s office and they called us back for the sonogram. They got started on all the usual measurements plus a few more since Lindsay fell into the high risk category. As she progressed through the measurements I saw it, a penis! I got my wish of another boy and a male dominate household. Next thought that came to mind was…my poor wife. A house full of boys. The high risk doctor, Dr. Fox, came in to go over the results with us. Everything he saw was looking good to him. He did bring up the fact that since Lindsay had experienced some bleeding in the past she may end up making a couple trips to the hospital before our little guy’s arrival. If only he had known.

I failed to mention that the excitement of a baby on the way encouraged us to buy a new home sooner than planned, which we moved into on April 16th. This meant something as well. My sister and mother were coming to visit. So what does that mean? It meant my sister and mom were coming to decorate. This also means making my wife very happy. The downside for me at least is I have a bubble and it was about to be invaded by two people who are identical in every aspect but age and they happen to be my mother and sister. Now mind you that I may be 42 years of age but to my mom I am still her baby boy and I believe my sister sometimes still thinks I am on drugs and on some other planet. They arrived Thursday, May 12th all set and ready to shop and decorate. Just a quick note-thanks Big Papa. We spent some time Thursday evening playing catch up since Lindsay and I are always the last to know anything and I mean anything. Friday, May 13th  rolls around and boom…Lindsay has more bleeding and started passing clots. Lindsay lets me know and starts to cry. My heart sank. After consulting her doctor, we all decide that going to the hospital is the right call. She and Leslie head out to Riverside Labor and delivery where she had an examination and ultrasound done. The doctor at the hospital believed it was the subchorionic hematoma releasing itself and all should be okay, but she should take a couple days off work and if she had more bleeding to call her doctor.

Lindsay was bummed to tell you the truth. Here she was basically on bed rest and her mother in law and sister-in-law were in town to take her shopping and decorate. Needless to say the shopping and decorating got done just without her help. This was honestly a great thing since it made Lindsay rest and our home was actually starting to feel like a home thanks to my mom and sister.

The weekend flew by and Sunday had arrived and it was time for mom and sister to leave and I could have my bubble back! The downside is that we decided months ago to let Beckett go back with them since we would be arriving in Chattanooga on Thursday. So the bubble was less one but it gave us some time to get things done (or so we had planned). The hard part is we had not yet to this point let Beckett go away on an extended trip. Well, after several days with my mom and sister back home down south we figured we would be getting a call to let us know that Beckett was home sick. We waited and waited and waited and waited. We began to wonder if he even remembered us. We wanted to Facetime him everyday but we knew this actually may kick in that “I miss my mom and dad thing” so we passed on that option. Either way we were getting regular updates on all the fun he was having. I honestly don’t think he had time to think about being away from us.

Lindsay had experienced a little more bleeding and clotting throughout the weekend, so on Tuesday, May 17th she had to return to her regular doctor’s office for another ultrasound. We woke up optimistic and headed to the doctor. We arrived early and had some concerns so we were taken back to be comforted by one of the nurses. After what seemed like an eternity, we were finally called in for the ultrasound. The tech could not detect any problems, the baby’s heartbeat was good and growth was right on track. She was ordered to take the next 2 days off work and come back again the next morning for an examination with her doctor.  She spent the day in the comfort of her parents house so she did not have to be alone while I was at work. Wednesday, May 18th we headed back to the doctor bright and early. After an examination and the fact that she was still bleeding, her doctor thought it best if she was admitted to Riverside Hospital for 24 hour observation. A few days bed rest would do her some good anyway. The kicker to all of this is that we were supposed to be leaving Thursday morning to go visit family and for me to compete in my first Ironman 70.3 in Chattanooga. So plans put on hold until we were able to see the high risk pregnancy doctors Thursday morning.

Thursday morning came and Lindsay was still having some bleeding. Dr. Ho was the high risk doctor who completed another examination. After the exam and review of her ultrasound from the day before, she was diagnosed with a chronic abruption which is when the placenta peels away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery. She was concerned but as she said “it was not getting her excited”. Sometimes these things resolve themselves and you can go on to have a healthy pregnancy. So we felt okay.

The anxiety we both had could have put a horse down and my wife was having even more due to the fact that she wanted me to go and complete the Ironman 70.3 in Chattanooga. We also had to pick up Beckett since he was visiting with my family down south. We discussed this with the doctors and between each other and felt comfortable with me going down to complete the Ironman and bring Beckett back home. This was very difficult on me but I did not want to create any more stress for Lindsay either. So away to Chattanooga I went on Thursday afternoon.

I made my way down to Chattanooga and the anxiety was almost too much for me to handle. I checked in on Friday and spent the day at the Ironman Village with my team Zero Prostate Cancer.

I talked with Lindsay several times Friday and Saturday and things were looking good, as the bleeding had lightened up a bit. There was even talk of her getting to go home Monday or Tuesday if things continued to stay neutral. That Saturday I met another new teammate Colonel Eugene Montague and spent some time with him. Later that evening we had dinner at Carrabba’s and I was even more privileged to spend some time with Gene. I discovered he was getting ready to retire after 33 years of service to our country. He had a smile and personality that would light up a room and his impact was felt immediately.

Sunday arrived and the anticipation and anxiety was thick. I spent some time with an old high school classmate, John Newton and then hopped in line for the rolling start. Again I am with Gene and we talk as we wait about a half hour till we hop in the water. Gene even said a quick prayer and reassured me we would be fine.

We hopped in the water as a team and we were off. I was about 250 meters into the swim and I saw them pull a swimmer out of the water. I continued to swim on by as they pulled the swimmer out and at about 750 meters I began getting horrible cramps. They continued to get worse and something came over me that told me I needed to get out of the water. So I did. My pride was shot and I did not know what to do. I got out and they gave me oxygen. The paramedics called my sister and let her know I was okay and that I would not be finishing.

Fast forward to running across my Dad and stepmom. We spent some time together and made our way back to my sister’s house with what pride I had left. I called my wife when I got back and told her I was coming home. She tried to encourage me to stay until Monday so I could deal with my emotions and get some rest before heading back. About an hour and a half later she called me back with some bad news.  She had some some excessive bleeding but this time it was a lot more. I was worried and felt hopeless. I at this point had a bit of a panic attack and made arrangements with my team contact, Julie Carr,  to get my bike out of transition early. As I was on the way to get it Lindsay called  back again and told me that after an exam, the doctor had determined she was 1 cm dilated. Panic, fear and guilt set in. I made my way back to my sister’s as fast as I could so I could load up, grab our son and get back home to Lindsay. We had seven hours of driving ahead of us. Beckett and I made our way back and we went straight to the hospital to see Lindsay. She had not dilated anymore and it was a relief to be back home at my wife’s side. Beckett and I stayed at the hospital a while and made our way back home. Lonely and depressed but home.

Along the way home I had spoken several times with Julie Carr from Team Zero. She had not seen or heard from Gene and was not getting any results from timing. She did think she saw his stuff but thought his bike was gone from transition. She said she would dig some more and see what she could find out. Ironman at this point would not release any information to her about any injured athlete.

Monday morning at about 12:00 am an email came through from Julie. An athlete had died during the swim and it was our teammate Gene. What?, how?, and why? all rush through my head. Gene was in great shape. We later discover that Gene had a cardiac event that took his life. Gene left behind a wife and four children.

I make my way to the hospital Monday and again, we are optimistic but have accepted the fact that Lindsay was going to be in the hospital for the long haul. That meant the possibility of over 3 months on hospital bedrest if she made it to full term. She was in good care and we had to be thankful for that. She was still having bleeding and they would continue to monitor.

That afternoon, we talked with a neonatologist about all of the “what ifs” in the event she was to deliver at her current gestation of 23 weeks. I can tell you that you never want to have a conversation like this in your life, but we had no choice. We decided that we would consult with the neonatologist on a weekly basis to learn the different “what ifs” as the pregnancy progresses. At this point though we felt good and you really cannot focus on all those things or it would simply drive you crazy. Positive thoughts bring positive actions is a mantra that I say all the time and I was going to live by it.

Tuesday arrived and things were good. Day to day was our motto and we made it through. This was also the day we decided on his name just in case the dreaded “what if” actually happened. Regan Michael White would be his name. Micheal is after Lindsay’s dad and means “Who is Like God”. What can I say… “Little Ruler, Who is Like God” just felt right. We didn’t even have to discuss it. Wednesday came and went and then that evening Lindsay called after experiencing more excessive bleeding and passing very large clots. The really bad news was that she was now 2 cm dilated. Lost and hurt again. Why?, is all I could ask myself. Why my wife? The doctors assured us that these things happen and that she could still carry Reagan to term. She would just need 7 days of antibiotics to protect him from infection. So they begin those and we go back to day to day. Just get us through each day, please God.

Thursday came and it was not a bad, day but Lindsay had not slept well due to all the anxiety. I managed to make it to the hospital for while to spend some time with her. I had to work at Pies and Pints that night so I made my way there. What you have to realize is the world does not stop because you are having issues and work would hopefully help me take my mind off of things. The night went well and I picked up Beckett from my in-laws and we made our way home. I managed to get him to bed in our bed and decided to zone out by watching some Homeland. At 11:09 my phone rang and it was Lindsay calling. I knew right away it was not good and I was correct. She had been having some cramping since about 6p.m. and then passed a huge blood clot at about 10:55. I will spare the details of her description of the scene it created. The doctor rushed in and completed yet another exam and determined she was 3 cm dilated and her cervix had thinned. At this point, the doctors believed she was going into labor.

I scooped up Beckett and jumped in the car and headed to the hospital. Along the way I called my mother in law and broke the news.  She said they would meet me there. I then called my mom in a damn near panic and full of tears trying to make it down the road safely. I arrived and Beckett and I went straight up to see Lindsay who had been moved to Labor and Delivery. Beckett was a bit out of it but I knew Lindsay needed to see him. My in-laws arrived and spent some time with us and then took him home with them. We can’t thank them enough for all of their help with Beckett and always being a phone call away throughout this entire experience.

The nurses and doctors came in to give us the bad news that she was for sure in labor and Reagan was coming no matter what. They told us the steps and what would happen and we began the waiting. Some where after my 5th or 6th cup of coffee I dozed off a bit. Lindsay did not sleep at all due to the pain of the contractions and the anxiety of just laying there waiting to deliver a child who she knew would not survive. She also feared for her own health as these situations can cause hemorrhaging in the mother. Around 8:00 in the morning the doctor came to check Lindsay and she was now about 8cm dilated. The pain was worsening, so Lindsay decided to get an epidural to help get her through. She wanted to be numb from something since the mental pain was unbearable enough.

It took no more than about 8 minutes and she was in full labor which meant there was not enough time to get the epidural. He was coming and fast. At 8:22a.m. my little angel Reagan came into this world. He was 1lb 3oz and 12 inches long. He did not make a peep but he was beautiful. I cannot tell you much else that happened in those two hours that would help you understand what we were feeling but we had him. He was wrapped and laying on Lindsay’s chest and he was with us. My father in law, mother in law and sister in-laws had made their way to the hospital at this point. They were able to meet him and hold him as well. We had a close friend from church, Meg,  and our associate pastor, Todd, join us to comfort us and pray over our tiny precious boy. We were surrounded by love and so was Reagan. The Chaplain, Marti, came in and blessed Reagan before he left this Earth. Reagan had two hours with us and they were the most beautiful two hours.

The rest of the day was filled with more emotion than one can imagine. The doctors wanted to monitor Lindsay a bit longer but if all was well she would finally be able to come home. My mother had now been on the road several hours and would soon be here to help take care of us. The goal was to just get Lindsay home so she could be with me and Beckett. She had been bed ridden in the hospital for 10 anxiety and fear filled days. Finally a little after 8:00 that evening she arrived home.

So where does this leave us now? It leaves us here…in the moment…again day to day. I thought to myself at some point on that Friday that I did not think we could make it through the day but we did. I thought the same Saturday but that day passed as well. Each day a little more healing happens with a lot of crying.

We are thankful that we have strengthened our relationship with Christ over the last year. Without a lot of praying I doubt we would have made it this far. Neither one of us are looking for answers because we know God has a plan for us even though it is very hard to understand at times.

We are not going to be angry. We would like to think of all the things that Reagan brought to us since the time we found out she was pregnant. We also like to think of how he would want us to handle this loss. If anything it has made us stronger and brought us closer together as a family.

Lastly, I would like to thank all of those that have reached out to us over this difficult time. Your thoughts and prayers, calls, texts, meals, hugs, generosity and time have meant the world to us. We are truly blessed to have such loving friends, family, and even strangers who have reached out to us. Having each of you makes this a little easier.

One last request…take some time today and each day to tell someone you love them. Life truly is a gift.

Nathan & Lindsay