So how do you heal? Such tragedy in our lives in one week from the death of a teammate to my child. What are the steps? Do you ever heal fully? I actually do not have any answers to my questions above but I have learned some things over the course of the last few weeks from when this all began. The one thing I know is the story may have a beginning but it will never have an ending. Along the way I have learned a few other things as well.

Human compassion-It is amazing and humbling. Today all we see or hear is about how bad and horrible the world is these days. Well, Lindsay and I can tell you there is a bunch of love in this world and we have been surrounded by it.

Family-It is the most important thing you have in your life and there is more than one type of “family”. Our blood family has been more than amazing at helping us and they as well have had to cope with a loss as well. Our work families have been amazing as and they have helped us heal. Our church family has been important also. I don’t have the time to thank each one of them but please know that all of you mean a great deal to us and we are forever grateful to have each and everyone one of you in our lives.

We all deal with loss in different ways-My associate pastor Todd Richards told me this and to remember that we all deal with trauma/loss in different ways. What he said is so true. Lindsay, Beckett and I all have dealt with this very differently. You have to learn to accept and understand this as hard as it is.

God-Not much to say here other than I am glad I have him..or should I say I am glad that he has me/us.

Understanding the why?-Something we have tried to ask and answer. Thing is…there is no answer. Maybe the only answer it is the way God had things planned. Maybe years from now we will have some answer as to why Reagan was not able to stay with us here on earth but he still lives in our hearts and minds.

What truly is important-We all go so hard,work so hard and I actually believe we take a lot for granted until it is too late. We only get one chance at this life so stop and take a look at what truly is important to you. Then go do what is important.

How to move forward-We move forward one day at a time. Some days are better than other but each day is a new day that brings new things.

I started this a few days after Reagan’s Story but then I stopped. Here we are 7 months later without any answers to my questions and answers to the way we both feel.

Since then I have thought that I have had heart issues but come to find out I have anxiety/panic attacks from what we have went through. Each day is different in a million ways. I cannot list them as they are too many to list. 

What I do not know is that I don’t have ANY of the answers and I maybe never will. Its ambiguous. 

What I do know and will do is share what we or I am going through in the hopes it may help others in understanding me and what I am going through. It’s not perfect…I don’t think it will ever be but in some weird way this blog helps me get things out that I am feeling. Self serving huh? Yea but it is a release and it is REAL. 

So hold on tight -you are going to get some feelings from me and I may ruffle a few feathers along the way. Those that know me know that I don’t hold back on my opinions. So you can call me an asshole for being truthful as to the way I feel or you can simply look at it is for what it is. Me putting it all out there. Veracity. 

N~