Well damn……Thanksgiving

Yep, a few days have passed as what  was going to be my “carpe diem”moment for Thanksgiving but yet it was quite possibly the worst Thanksgiving ever for me. Weird huh? No shit. That’s what I said. Why you wonder? Well, here again is my best to describe to you the why’s and all the other crap I have been dealing with these days. Call it a relaunch to my blog and also some therapy for me. I guess the one thing I have come to find out is that writing for me is the best relief. So forgive me if I ramble and this does not follow logical order

Thanksgiving for most is a time to sit back and be “thankful” for the things we have in our lives but this Thanksgiving found me having to explain the loss of our son and the lack of communication from my daughter Zoe. Those of you that follow along or read all know about Reagan but where I may have missed the beat is to also mention that my daughter Zoe has chosen not to speak to me or communicate to me in the last 6 months.

I have done all that I can do to be a great or good father but about 6 months ago I had enough of having plans cancelled and/or changed at the last minute. I sent Zoe a text, email and left a voicemail that told her that a relationship took two people to work and that I felt it was one sided and when she was ready to participate to let me know and I would be here for her. What is one to do? Force her to spend time with me via court order? Hell no, that would only make her dislike me more. I needed to do something but I had and have run out of options. What do you do to make a 14 year old spend time with you, a father? I have feelings in all this too right?

Please, before you give me all your answers. It’s not that easy. Yes, court order-but no. Enlist her mother to help. Tried that and all I got was a “she is old enough to make her own decisions.” So that is lost. What do you do that doesn’t piss your kid off and at the same time make her want to spend time with you? I am out of ideas.

Second part of Thanksgiving sucking. I not only felt like I had lost one child but we had actually lost another one with the loss of Reagan. So double the whammy.

I spent most of Thanksgiving in Alabama mourning the loss of two children both of which I feel like I have no control over. It got old real fast when family members would tell me how sorry they were and in the same breathe ask me about Zoe. It got to a point that it just felt better to sit on the couch at my cousins and just watch football and not answer any more questions.

Now I am the asshole. The family guy who does not want to spend anytime with his family? Yep,that was me. Closed and not open for business.

You want a kick in the nuts? Well, I have one to go with all the rest! I thought for a bit I was having heart issue. After going to a few doctors and having a few test ran I found out I was not having a heart issue like I thought but I was actually having a “HEART” issue. I had and have not processed the loss of my son and my teammate from back in May. I have/had thought I had dealt with all these issues but I had done nothing more than bury them deep inside of me and that has caused me to have anxiety/panic attacks. No fun let me tell you that. Hell, I am kinda having one as I type this now. I used to wonder to myself what and even if these kind of attacks are real. Well let me tell you they are not fun and they are real. -as I grit my teeth.

I have done my best to deal with this but sometimes I am at a loss. Tonight was by far one of the best nights for me because I took time to open up to my wife about all that has been going on in my head and heart. Tough but yet relieving. She did not and does not judge me as she is going through her own things and loves me unconditionally. Here lies another problem. I wish I was stronger to help her with her grieving with the loss of Reagan but I am not. I feel failed at times as a husband since this is the one thing I cannot fix or correct.

I had a few people ask me this week if we were planning on having another child and even suggested that if we did it would help us deal with the loss of Reagan. I can tell you without any doubt in my head that this will not help. His loss will never go away or replace him. I am also not suggesting that this is what they meant but until you hold your child and watch him pass before your eyes I am asking that you don’t pretend like you know. It is still the hardest day of my life and continues to be. Hence the anxiety.

I would like to think that another child is in the cards for us but at this point I doubt it. Fear of loss, harm to my wife and the clock is ticking on me. Hey, 43 is not young or old.

I am one to always be the eternal optimist. So I again like to believe that God has a plan for Lindsay and I. Just realize some days that you are supposed to be “thankful” are harder for others than you may think. This is not a cry for sympathy but more of cry to let you know that sometimes you truly have no idea as to what people are going through even if they are family or not. For some of us it is hard to express feelings and the things we are dealing with at any given moment. We do better when we have outlets like these so we can just say what we want to say without feeling judged or having to argue why we are the way we are and how maybe things lately have shaped us.

So to those of you, family & friends,  that I maybe have pissed off or not socialized with enough please forgive me because I am doing my best. We are doing doing our best. I am not good at “faking it” and I tend wear my feelings on my sleeve. The me “Nathan” is still here…just some days..a lot lately are harder.

Best

~N